No matter what you think about Donald Trump, to him, what he thinks about himself is far more important. It’s just that the things he thinks about himself are all wrong.
That’s not just the case with his astonishingly feeble intellect. And it doesn’t just mean he’s got bad hair. All around, Donald Trump thinks he’s a 10, but he’s more of a 2. In fact, 2 is generous. This man is a 0.153 at best.
I keep understating it, though. Trump doesn’t think he’s a 10, he thinks he’s a 47. He thinks he looks young. He thinks he has taste in music. He thinks gold decorations in the home are classy. He thinks people call him sir, or that he’s actually fooling anyone when he claims that people call him sir. He really, honestly thinks that disgusting makeup looks good on him.
But most of all, he thinks his clothes look good. And my friends, they do not.
The reason they don’t (you thought I was going to drumroll this thing all the way until the end) is that — Surprise! — he dictates how they’re cut. This is a man who spends $10,000 on a Brioni Italian suit, then has them cut the legs like MC Hammer might wear them. He has shoulder pads like that wolf in the Bugs Bunny cartoons whose eyes bug out when he sees a pretty girl. HIS TIE HANGS BELOW HIS BELT.
It’s on purpose. And the problem is, this isn’t a case of him just getting bad advice from someone, like his daughter-in-law Lara being told by an overly kind friend that she could sing. This is actually Trump thinking that he knows what will flatter his (pardon this word coinage) unflatterable shape.
I’m not body shaming at all. I’m just saying, there are plenty of people out there, experts, who have already determined how to get unwieldy body parts looking better in certain types of clothing.
Vertical stripes do wonders for the waistline. Black is slimming. Shoes match the belt. Learn a different way to tie a knot. Seriously, Donald, that red bungee cord is going to choke you with that tiny little knot you use. Learn an Eldridge instead of a Windsor.
People have been saying that Trump must get dressed in the dark, but from the way he’s been looking, I might argue that he doesn’t actually own a mirror. Wait, that’s pretty unlikely. Maybe his house was on fire when he left this morning?
The problem for Trump here is that no matter if he cares what other people think or not (and it’s clear he doesn’t, or has no idea what they think), he DOES look like a little kid wearing his dad’s clothes.
Let me put it this way. You’ve seen leagues of fan art of Donald Trump from his adoring fans. Have you ever seen a single image of him in super hero form (as they like to portray him) wearing what he normally wears?
Even his voters are fantasizing about a Trump that doesn’t exist, one who eats asparagus in Hollandaise alongside his medium rare ribeye, rather than steak fries with his well-done sirloin.
If Trump looked anything like he obviously THINKS he does, even I might vote for him. But you just can’t pair combed-over, bronzed, belligerent douchebag with an equally bad suit.
Hang it up and get a consultant you listen to, Donald.
